


now I'm even more stuck

by britishngay



Series: One shots :) [7]
Category: Heathers (1988), Heathers: The Musical - Murphy & O'Keefe
Genre: Angst, F/F, Fluff, Smut, and they were exes oh my god they were exes, okay here we go
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-15
Updated: 2020-10-15
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:21:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27028027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/britishngay/pseuds/britishngay
Summary: It’s a bad idea.A really bad idea.And still, Veronica’s hand is itching toward the phone because she’s horny and alone and only has her ex-fucking-girlfriend on her mind.
Relationships: Heather Chandler/Veronica Sawyer
Series: One shots :) [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1736749
Comments: 13
Kudos: 131





	now I'm even more stuck

It’s a bad idea.

A _really_ bad idea.

And still, Veronica’s hand is itching toward the phone because she’s horny and alone and only has her ex-fucking-girlfriend on her mind.

She can’t tell if it’s better or worse that she’s waited it’s been almost a month to call her and since they ended. She supposes that if Veronica called sooner it would be weak and it she held out longer then it would be pathetic - both of which are sad. At least she’s heard from Mac that Heather’s not holding it together as much as she tries to act.

That was only _one_ of the many the issues of their relationship.

Heather inability to express, the bottle of emotions inside her would fizz up and explode and she’d have a breakdown in the middle of Glee or shout or get drunk or all three and Veronica would always have to clean up after her.

Heather wasn’t a good girlfriend by any means, she was selfish, came late to events, was addicted to work and her friends absolutely sucked – granted Veronica was no angel – but Heather was especially shitty.

(Veronica feels that she should point out that her opinion might be slightly skewed how recent the break-up is).

But, she was absolutely phenomenal in bed.

And that’s why she’s opening her phone and her hand is itching toward Heather’s name in her phone.

Some part of her is hitting herself on the back of the head for the fact that Heather is still in her favorited contacts.

Veronica knows that Heather is a bus-ride away, she also knows that she’ll still be there because she works late on Fridays to avoid having drinks with the boys at the firm.

And she’s not going to lie and say that she’s been all fine and dandy since their relationship ended, she misses Heather, their relationship wasn’t complete shit. It’s the little things; Heather always made the coffee because she woke up first and she was way better at making it than Veronica, the side of her bed is cold and Veronica wakes up hot from Heather not stealing the duvet in the middle of the night.

She turns her phone off and looks out the window.

They broke up after Christmas. Veronica still wears the necklace that Heather got her, it’s dark out, and cold. It’s always colder in the New Year. January’s an unrelenting month, never-ending, short days, at least October has Halloween and November and December have various holidays that you can enjoy. January? January sucks. The lampposts are a bright white that Veronica can still see from her flat on the third floor and the way the buses exhale when they park outside the building somehow seems like it’s disturbing the peace more than usual.

She just distracting herself from the inevitable fall from grace and back into Heather’s arms that JD will be really pissed about and Martha will looks at her disapprovingly.

It’s a really bad idea.

But she does it anyway.

Heather picks up after three rings.

“Veronica.”

She lets out a breath as subtly as possible, her _voice_.

Veronica didn’t realise how much she’s missed her voice.

“Are you free?”

“Past eight o’clock, Friday night; why are you asking?” She talks slowly, Veronica can hear the murmuring of the copier on the other side of the line, she knows that Heather knows why she’s calling, she’s not stupid. She’s playing with her, teasing her, mocking her.

“Don’t be a dick.”

“I just _knew_ you’d cave.”

She’s like a cat that caught the fucking canary.

Veronica feels the shame bubble inside her, she knew this wouldn’t end well, she knew that Heather was going to ruin it somehow.

“Bye.”

“Wait.” She says it quickly, wanting Veronica to catch it before she hangs up. “I’ll be there in ten, I just need to finish this email.”

She waits a second.

This is an awful idea – but she’s plunged head-first into the freezing cold pool and has to deal with the hypothermia.

“Okay.”

Heather hangs up the call.

Ten minutes, in Heather’s mind that’s at least fifteen, especially if she’s coming from work.

She’s right, Heather knocks on her door twenty minutes later, shivering in her red peacoat and black leather gloves and the tip of her nose is pink from the cold outside. Veronica feels almost out of place in her ratty gyn shorts and baggy t-shirt and no bra but then Heather’s eyes spend a little too long on her legs before their eyes meet and she knows that she was just as close to calling; Veronica just did it first.

They take a second, taking each other in, like two cats circling.

Heather moved out when they broke up.

It was Veronica’s flat before she moved in but it’s not hers when the other woman moved out.

Heather never focuses on one thing, by the time most of her stuff was out of here she left, there’s parts of her dotted about, a photo here, a scarf there, a mug that Veronica can’t bring herself to throw out.

She opens the door further and allows Heather to come in. She walks past her, making her close the door instead of her.

Veronica watches as she tugs on each of the fingers of her gloves before pulling them off, their eyes are glued to each other as she does it. Then she places her purse by the shoe rack, takes of her shoes – good, she remembered Veronica’s aversion to shoes inside a place – and frowns at the lack of a coat stand.

“Where’d the stand go?”

Of course that’s the first thing she says.

“You were the only one who used it, I use the hooks.”

“They bend my coat out of shape.”

It’s been less than a minute and they’re already arguing, Jesus, this is meant to just be a hookup; sure it’s a hookup with an ex that she’s never really gotten over and it was arguably her most impactful relationship she’s had and she should really stop thinking about the past.

“It’s one night Heather.”

Now she’s brought up what they’re here for, Heather drops her coat onto one of the hooks with a disdainful expression then turns to Veronica with an eyebrow raised and the look on her face that sends Veronica’s heart into overdrive.

“So that’s what I’m here for.”

She starts walking toward Veronica, slowly moving into her space.

She’s wearing a suit, even a tie, that’s new. Veronica was always trying to get her to wear a tie, she always thought it’d be hot.

She was right.

“You’re not stupid Heather.”

“No I’m not, I just like to watch you squirm a little.”

When they dated she would’ve said something like that with a smile on her face, the one that showed all of her teeth and she would throw her head back and bark out a laugh.

Now her face is blank, a small amount if anger in her features, she’s probably pissed about the fact that Veronica beat her to breaking them up.

Or that they broke up full stop.

She knows that she went into a full emotional break when they went their separate ways but Heather just gets angry, she just lets it fuel her, who knows, maybe Veronica’s helping her career trajectory and she’s angry now, just like Veronica is horny and now she’s mad.

Heather’s always had the ability to do that, make her mad by barely saying anything.

“You’re so-“

“I’m so, what?”

She’s smug in her smile, this is what she wants.

Maybe it’ll be easier to emotionally distance herself from this is if they’re both pissed.

Veronica tugs on her tie to bring her closer. She takes a second to breathe the other woman in, Heather’s hands are gripping her hip, a calm before the storm of the night. Their lips brush each other and Veronica flicks her eyes to Heather’s, there’s barely any blue left.

“This is new. I like it.”

“I don’t wear things for you Veronica.”

“I know full well you didn’t own this before-“

Heather cuts her off with a bruising kiss.

The probably shouldn’t kiss, there’s a whole load of reasons why they shouldn’t, she could write an entire dissertation on the issues of them kissing and what it could lead to, but she forgot how delicious Heather’s lips are and now she just can’t stop.

Veronica tries not to put any emotion except desire into the kiss, this is just sex, just a way to release a build-up of tension. Her nose is cold against Veronica’s face and her hands are warm as they immediately go under her shirt and blunt nails scratch along her back. Veronica’s arms wrap around her neck and back, pulling out the scrunchie in her hair to let her hands flow through her soft curly locks. Heather is punishing in her rhythm of her kiss, her lips are moving quick, her teeth biting at Veronica, her tongue pushing into her mouth. She tries to keep up with it, pushing back just as hard, she knows her lips will be bruised and sore tomorrow – and wherever else Heather touches her – but it feels so fucking good that she can’t find herself to care.

Veronica pulls the tie apart, quietly mourning it’s loss, before letting it fall to the ground, then gets to work on the buttons before giving up and ripping it open. It’s satisfying, the way that the material rips and Heather gasps slightly in surprise against her lips. She’s pretty sure half of the buttons roll under the sofa but she knows that Heather left a shirt in the closet.

“I like this shirt.”

“You can afford another one.”

She replies by kissing Veronica again, her hands travelling further up her back until Veronica gets the message and takes off her shirt and drops it behind her. Heather starts backing against the wall next to the bookshelves that have been depleted since Heather left. The wall is cold against her bare back and she’s on fire from Heather being so close. Veronica doesn’t know what it is from the way that Heather’s hand fits along the side of her neck and her thumb threatens to cross her throat and subtly squeeze but it makes her absolutely melt against the wall.

“Darling, you’re so pretty-“

“It hurts? You really need some new material.”

“Don’t act like you’re not soaking from it.”

Her fucking _voice,_ Veronica wants Private Schools to be abolished so badly but the way they made Heather sound, the way that she’s deliberate with each word; she never rushes or slurs, she knows exactly what her words are doing.

She pushes Heather away, who has a quizzical expression on her face until she sees Veronica take off her socks and gym shorts and copies her immediately, she looks to see Heather in a fucking matching black bra and barely there underwear that, well, let’s just say that her desire to touch Heather has turned from a want to an absolute need. They come together again, trying their best to walk to the bedroom without any casualties.

As soon as they enter their old bedroom, they still for a second, so many happy memories, sleeping, waking up, talking after a long day, fucking. They make eye contact and there’s an unspoken decision to ignore their emotional past in favor for a physical now.

Heather pushes her onto the bed and straddles her, a position that was always one of her favorites, it gave her enough of an illusion to be in charge without actually being in control.

They kiss for a second, oddly intimate in its softness, in the way Heather pulls her closer, Veronica responds with the same safe familiarity that they used to have, until they both remember the ordeal of tonight and Heather tugs on Veronica’s hair, forcing her to head to tip back to then she can kiss – or more rather bite – her way down her neck. Veronica’s hands come up to steady her across her lap, her hands gripping Heather’s waist almost so tight that Heather lets out a small groan at the feeling.

The last time she’d been touched like this was when Betty dragged her to a club in Soho – which was overpriced and shitty by the way – and she managed to go home with someone, but the whole evening felt weird so she sloppily fingered her and headed off, hoping that she would never run into the other woman again.

So really the last person to touch her was Heather, which is, kinda sad, but Veronica is too focused on the way Heather pushes her back onto the bed and is kissing down her stomach to think about that.

“What do you want Ronnie?”

That fucking nickname, the signifier of their relationship; Veronica wasn’t a massive fan of the moniker, but Heather loved it – so it stayed. It’s presence in the bedroom was more welcome than outside it though, it quickly became a nickname that Heather used for her only in this particular context.

She rests her chin just below her belly-button, fingers trailing up and down her thighs, her sides, gently pushing her nails against Veronica’s skin.

Fuck she’s horny.

“You know what I want.”

“Do I?”

Her fingers graze her thighs, her nails starting to leave faint red marks in their wake. Veronica feels her eyes roll back and Heather’s smug grin against her thigh as she starts kissing up and down now.

“Eat me out.”

“Then?”

“Then I’ll treat you real good.”

Heather says nothing as she pulls Veronica’s underwear down and lets it fall to the floor. She feels slightly cold, exposed to the air like this, but Heather’s tongue is quick to rectify that, it moves from her slit to her clit, fuck she forgot how good she was at this.

“Princess.” The nickname slips out of her mouth in the form of her moan, Heather’s hand suddenly gripping her thigh tighter, Veronica always forgets how much of a visceral reaction the name gets out of her. She moves quicker, her tongue sliding against her in erratic movements, never moving in the same pattern over and over again.

Veronica feels it starting in her toes, a tingly feeling as they clench, then it moves to her ankles, it travels ups her legs and then the thick coil of heat that’s been bothering her for far too long _finally_ comes undone and she finds her hips moving against Heather’s tongue as she looks up at Veronica almost arrogantly.

Heather guides her through her orgasm. Her mouth glued to Veronica as her hands grip her thighs and keep her close. Until she slides her tongue through her folds one last time before pulling away, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand and bringing her into another kiss. Veronica’s not quite sure what noise she makes upon tasting herself, but it’s something that makes Heather’s nails dig into her skin. Veronica pulls away for breath and to say something she knows will gather Heather’s attention.

“Should I get the strap?”

Heather’s lips move into one of her sinfully evil smiles as she nods and lies down on the bed, watching as Veronica walks over to where she leaves them – the draw from the bottom. It’s a ritual that she knows well, the feeling of Heather’s eyes on hers always leaves her with a feeling down her spine that she’s never quite sure how to describe. She thinks of Heather, of her eagerness to come over, how she sounded vaguely apologetic for a second over the phone, whether they would be doing this now if they were still together, or if then would be slamming doors and sleeping on the sofa.

Veronica jumps at the feeling of Heather coming up behind her, her warm hands running across her stomach makes her shiver. She starts kissing up her neck, biting on her earlobe then moving back down, Veronica knows that she’s gonna have to use concealer if she sees Martha tomorrow but that thought it quickly shoved to the back of her mind when she starts kneading her breasts, pinching her nipple and tugging then pushing then repeating in an intoxicating pattern. Her other hand comes down and starts rubbing the strap.

“You know it’s,” she whimpers a little as it pushes against her clit. “it’s not real, right?”

“Yeah, but it’s getting you wet isn’t it?”

Veronica lets out another whine as she pushes it harsher against her, she brings up a hand and tugs Heather’s hair, feeling her moan against her neck. She loves and hates that Heather is always right when it comes to stuff like this.

“That’s what I thought.”

God she’s so smug.

It’s annoyingly hot.

She turns around and backs Heather against the wardrobe, kissing her soundly, one of her hands trails down her front and slides her fingers through her folds, she’s not quite yet for the strap yet, unless she wants the uncomfortable type of pain. She slowly pushes a finger in, Heather’s head falling against her shoulder.

She knows it’s not going to be enough for her, she hooks her finger once, twice, starts pressing deeper and harder but remaining at the same speed until she’s shaking.

“More.”

“Begging already Princess?” Heather pulls back, head thumping against the door, a small smile on her face, full of desire, irritation, brattiness.

“Bite me.”

So Veronica does, she lets out a little yelp and pulls her hair to bring her into another kiss. Veronica sinks a second finger in to the knuckle, her thumb finding her clit and pressing in small circles. Heather’s grip of Veronica’s shoulders tightens, her kisses start to become sloppy. She quickly comes, falling against Veronica – clearly she wasn’t the only one who was finding issues getting laid. Heather recovers well, she always did, and pulls Veronica toward the bed.

“Now, fuck me, Veronica.” Heather breathes out, Veronica kissing down her neck, sucking and leaving purple marks that she knows will be healed by the morning, Heather’s body was always brilliant at fixing the marks Veronica liked to litter her body with.

“Magic word?”

“Asshole.”

“Hm.”

“Please.”

“Well done Princess.”

She lines up the dildo with her entrance and pushes in slowly, a smile makes its way onto Heather’s face.

“That’s it baby.” Heather breathes out her hips moving against Veronica.

For a second Veronica can imagine that they’re still together, it’s a selfish thought, she was the one who broke them up after all, but she can’t help it. She can see how Heather would smile after teasing her but now she isn’t taking a second to laugh an inside joke with her or smile into a kiss, instead it’s just sex. She banishes the thoughts from her mind and takes a leisurely pace, thrusting in and out slowly. Heather pulls her down for another kiss that’ll stay in her mind for a long time, she knows full well that it’ll distract her away half-way through teaching. She stays at the same pace, moving her hips hard enough to evoke a feeling but not enough to get some proper satisfaction, she forgets how much she loves the feeling of thrusting into the other woman, forgets how fun it is to toy with each other.

The dildo grinds against her perfectly, in a way that makes her knees shake, in a way that makes her rut harder into the other woman.

“Hm, fuck.” She lets out, falling forward into Heather’s neck and biting into the crook next to her shoulder, Heather moans at the sensation; her nails dragging down her back, leaving red welts in their wake.

They remain like that for a while, Veronica leaving dark marks all over Heather’s neck and shoulder and Heather doing the saw for her back. It’s all so perfect, this, _this,_ is what she called her ex over for, and it’s working perfectly.

“Come on Ronnie,” She somehow tugs Veronica down, giving her a short, harsh, “is that all you’ve got?”

She knows just what to say.

Veronica pulls back slapping her hard on the ass before moving her hips into her harder, faster, deeper, anything to stop her running her mouth. Heather moans at the pain of her hand and smiles up at Veronica triumphantly. She manhandles one of her long, _long_ , legs until it rests over her shoulder and she thrusts and she smirks at how Heather’s eyes roll back into her head.

“Nothing else to say Princess?”

Heather makes an illegible moan as she keeps pounding into her.

The way that Heather is grabbing at the pillow and her hips moving against the rhythm of Veronica’s hips, she knows that it won’t take much longer. Veronica’s hands are gripping hard against her hips, she can feel the sweat forming everywhere. Heather manages to take one of her hands off the leg against her shoulder and pulls it – and her – forward; she makes another groan at the change in angle and places Veronica’s hand against her throat and subtly nods.

She starts squeezing slightly, Heather letting out another breathy moan.

Veronica remembers all of the little tricks that make her come hard.

She’s close.

“Don’t you dare fucking stop Ronnie.”

Heather doesn’t make a sound as she comes, just her body stiffening as Veronica keeps on pounding, sweat pooling at every available crevice, her nails are almost drawing blood from her back and Veronica forgot how much she delighted in the feeling.

Heather rolls them over so she’s on top, panting from her orgasm and starts grinding against Veronica, the toy moves perfectly against her clit. Heather’s hands rest of Veronica’s breasts, grabbing and kneading. She’s always looked so beautiful like this, on a mission, wanting something so easily obtained but still trying more than anyone else she knows. She feels her orgasm approaching embarrassingly quickly, Heather knowing exactly what she likes, and when she comes, she moans so loudly that Heather shuts her up by shoving her tongue in her mouth. Then they lie there for a second, panting into each other’s shoulders.

Finally she rolls off, whimpering at the loss of the dildo.

They take another minute. Veronica feels like her mind should be racing, should be wondering if Heather’s going to stay, going to leave, stay then sneak out, stay and make coffee in the morning, talk like they’re still together.

“You can stay.”

A moment of weakness, one that Veronica wishes she could hit herself for admitting. She can feel that the other woman almost gives in, but she doesn’t.

“No, no I can’t.”

She closes her eyes as Heather gets out of the bed. Heather tuts at the state of her coat and quietly closes the front door.

She doesn’t know how she let this happen.

All she knows is that she won’t let it happen again.

\--

It happens again.

Veronica’s pretty sure that she knew it was going to repeat itself, history has a habit of doing that.

This time it isn’t a part of weakness of Veronica’s part, but on Heather’s.

Again, it’s a really bad idea, even worse now that she’s going to do it again.

There’s some part of her that tells her that she’s almost thirty, and is getting to old for these games, but most of her is saying that it will be worth it, there’s no harm in giving in to her ex. JD rebounded _badly_ after his last boyfriend broke up with him, lots of sleeping around, not much sleeping in general, but after a month he stopped and carried on as if nothing happened, Veronica knows that’ll happen. The sex will start to get dull and they’ll slowly go back to the friends they were before, maybe, she doesn’t know.

This is just the remnants of a broken relationship making them have urges.

The worst part isn’t even that she’s been waiting for Heather to call for the last two weeks, it’s the fact that she’s at the pub when she opens the text, she’s _busy_ , and she still goes. To be fair to her, it’s work drinks and most of the English department had left, leaving her with mainly Science and Languages – which isn’t the worst thing, JD’s there, but after seeing Heather’s text; she very suddenly doesn’t want to be _here._

_I’ve got wine– you free?_

It’s the complete opposite of how Veronica asked her to come over, of course that’d be the way that she’d ask. She downs the rest of her cider and heads over to JD.

“Imma head off, gotta mark some year nine papers tomorrow.” He frowns melodramatically before realizing that she won’t change her mind and grabs his jacket from the back of his chair, he wobbles slightly while standing up.

“I’ll walk you back, then.”

“I’ll be fine, you’re the one who’ll need an uber or something.” She shrugs her jacket on, the faded corduroy one that she’s had for years, almost as long as she’s known Heather.

“London isn’t safe for a beautiful woman at night.” His words slur as he smiles, trying to hide how much he’s leaning on the stool.

“London isn’t safe for drunken idiots walking back to the pub at night, I’ll be fine.”

He definitely doesn’t need to know that she’s grabbing the N5 to Heather’s flat, she doesn’t really need to, it’s only four stops, but JD is right, London can be dodgy and it’s better safe than sorry – right?

“Text me when you get home, or I’ll sick Martha on ya.”

“Sure you will bud.”

She claps him on the shoulder and heads out, pulling her coat even tighter around herself and grabbing her phone, realizing that she never replied to Heather.

_B there in ten._

She runs for a bus, the cold air freezing her throat as she catches her breath once on the bus. Almost everything in her muscles are telling her that it’s an awful idea and that she should just head home, but her bones are aching for Heather and her touch and her words and her moans and- shit she almost misses her stop, she rushes out, giving an apologetic wave to the driver who doesn’t notice and speeds out immediately. She shoves her hands in her pockets and starts walking toward the block of fancy flats that Heather’s renting.

She only knows where she lives because Heather shoved the address in her hands when she left with her last box clothes; telling Veronica to come by if she’s forgotten something but she knew it wasn’t an invitation, just a formality that was drilled into her by her parents.

She reaches the door quickly, the cold always made her walk faster, and buzzes in. Getting out her phone and texting JD that she’s home, he answers with a smiley face, good, she’s in the clear.

 _“Yes?”_ Heather’s drawl comes through the speaker.

“Uh, it’s me.”

_“Come on up.”_

She takes one look at the stairs and takes the lift up, it’s not that she’s tipsy, she just knows that Heather’s flat is a couple of floors up and any crazy physical exercise that she does will definitely knock her out after one round with Heather. The lift comes quickly, it’s a nice one, can even fit two or three people, unlike the one at Veronica’s, you have to walk up the stairs there; she’s lucky that she’s on the second floor.

God she’s rambling, she’s nervous, those ciders start to churn slightly in her stomach, the lift stops and she steps out, knocking on the fourth door down.

This is still such a bad idea.

 _Such,_ a bad idea.

Because there’s a high chance that the only-just-buried-feelings that she harbored for her ex will get exhumed or she will get disastrously hurt again and it will be entirely her own fault again.

She lets out a sigh and gets ready for her.

Heather opens the door wearing the bright red, silk, robe that she always wore when she wanted to seduce Veronica, it’s also obnoxiously undone, to the point where she might as well not be wearing it. She opens the door wide, showing Veronica her entire body, including the bottle of red wine that’s hanging in her hand.

There’s a second where they stare at each other. Veronica, yet again, feels underdressed, she’s in her work clothes, she’s got her basic underwear on, Heather looks so fucking good it’s awful.

“Right on time.”

“The bus came quickly.”

“Hm.”

She opens the door further, turning her back to Veronica and moving further into the flat.

“Shut the door behind you.”

“What else was I supposed to do?”

Heather doesn’t say anything, just watches her as she takes in her flat.

It’s tidy, obsessively so, Veronica reckons that she barely ever stays here except to sleep and eat, that’s the kind of thing she would do. She looks around, her eyes stilling on the coat stand that lies to the right of the hall.

“Hooks bend my coat out of shape.”

Veronica walks past the stand and throws her jacket and scarf on the arm of the sofa. Heather looks offended.

Good, that’ll make this easier and Veronica can forget how she’s still halfway in love with her.

Heather drops the bottle of wine on the table, the dull thud being the only sound in the flat, and sits on her sofa. Somehow this was easier before, when they could pretend it was a one-time thing, instead, here they are, watching each other again.

“Come here.”

Veronica follows her voice, and sits next to her.

“What, are we going talk?”

Heather grabs her shirt and pulls her in, their teeth clacking together on their initial impact. It hurts, not a good way, but they quickly melt into each other. Heather is relentless is the way that she tugs Veronica’s clothes off, the way that she kisses with barely any space to breathe.

The walk to Heather’s bedroom is difficult from Heather’s insistence on staying stuck on Veronica the entire time. Their clothes litter the way to the bedroom, Veronica knows that she’s gonna end up losing a sock or something but the thought very quickly gets shoved to the back of her mind with the way that Heather’s tongue moves against hers. Heather leans against the door to shut it, pulling her against her again. They kiss for a bit longer before she pushes on Veronica’s shoulders until her knees hit the floor.

She can practically smell Heather, she’s happy that she needs this as much as Veronica does. She starts just above Heather’s knees, kissing up her legs, over her, then repeats on the side, until her hip jut out to try and meet her lips. 

Veronica pulls her underwear down her legs, slowly, and finally brings her tongue to her. The woman above her lets out a sigh as she slowly drags her tongue through her folds, humming slightly at the taste.

Heather’s hand is fisted, almost painfully, in Veronica’s hair, keeping her in place as she continues her fast pace against Heather’s clit, her finger’s curling inside her, one of Heather’s legs over her shoulder. She feels her walls constrict as she lets out her loud moan, Veronica continues her pace through the orgasm, slowing down slightly before adding a third finger and increasing her speed once again. One of Heather’s hands slam against the door, the other pulls Veronica closer. Her jaw starts to hurt slightly but it doesn’t matter she wants to make Heather come again.

When she finally does, her legs are shaking and her moans have stop making noise, instead Heather makes little grunts and silent screams. She takes a second to steady herself while Veronica wipes her hand with her mouth and walks towards the bed, then Heather joins her.

And their evening really beings.

Three hours, and multiple rounds, later they end up lying in Heather’s bed, letting themselves get their breath back.

“Now get out of my bed before my sheets start to smell like you.”

“Piss off, you love my smell.” She mutters, turning her face into Heather’s pillow, subconsciously surrounding herself in Heather’s smell.

“Veronica.”

She rolls her eyes and stands up.

“Yeah, yeah. I’m going, don’t worry.”

She’s cold as she gets dressed, she staring everywhere _but_ Heather.

All that runs through her mind as she stumbles out of Heather’s flat is the memory of the first time they had sex.

Heather’s hands shook.

Veronica watched as she lay there, unsure of what to do with her hands, her mouth, and Veronica held her, whispering how much she loved her, how she would show her how they would love.

Heather’s hands shook as they moved up her sides, she let out a shaky exhale the first time she touched Veronica’s breast, she’d cried when they’d finished.

It felt like so long ago, she supposes it was. They were barely together, but it felt so right with Heather that she’s pretty sure that’s when she started to fall in love.

\--

The next time Heather strides right past Veronica and throws a pad down on the table that has piles and piles of essays on the table.

“Come on in Heather.” She says to the empty hallway before closing the door.

“Thank you for being so welcoming.” She drawls, taking off her gloves in the same slow way that she did before, her eyes looking around the kitchen where they used to live. If she showed any emotion, Veronica couldn’t see it behind her mask.

“What’s this?”

“Rules.”

“Seriously?”

Not rules, please no rules, rules means that they have to define what they are, means that this all suddenly becomes very, very real. It becomes very real that Veronica still wants her, and that Heather wants her back.

“If we want to continue, whatever this is-“

“What if I don’t want to?”

“Don’t be petulant. If we continue this, we need to set up guidelines, I think we both know that it can easily end badly.”

“How lawyerly of you.” She says but begrudgingly admits that Heather is right, they were never the best at doing what was technically ‘right’, most of their early fights ended with sex as opposed to communication, you know, the healthy thing to do. “Do you want a drink?”

“What do you have?”

“Gin, wine, beer.”

“Wine. White, preferably.”

She rolls her eyes at Heather but abides anyway.

“Got it.”

Veronica takes the bottle that Martha brought by the other day in thanks for editing one of her transcripts for work. She’s not sure how good it is, that being said, she never really knew much about alcohol, except knowing which drink get her as drunk as possible as quickly as possible. Heather puts her coat around the back of the chair, anything’s better than the hooks she guesses, rolls her sleeves up in a way that makes Veronica drool at her forearms in a way that she wants to smack herself along the side of her head for and gets writing on the pad she threw on the table. A pad that she remembers dearly, the ones Heather uses for notes, she never throws away her trial notes and she had at least three boxes full of notes to be taken to her new flat.

“Here you go.”

Heather looks pleasantly surprised by the taste of the wine.

“Hm.”

“What are these rules?”

She pushes the pad toward Veronica.

  1. _No cuddling._
  2. _~~No talking of our past~~. If our friends find out we stop._
  3. _Don’t tell anyone._
  4. _Don’t fall in love ~~~~_



Like many things with Heather, she chooses to ignore the badly crossed out words that have been written, she’s not looking for a fight, she’s looking to get laid.

“Why the friends?”

“They’ll judge, then ask questions.”

“And get involved and try to stop it.”

“Which they probably should do.”

“Yeah.”

“But you don’t want to.”

“You brought the rules, neither do you.”

Veronica feels something press against the inside of her knee, she looks from the scrawny list to Heather’s face, which has one of her insufferably attractive smirks written across it.

“I thought we were having a serious discussion.”

“You can multitask, Veronica.”

“Can I? Because now I want to rip your clothes off.”

Heather’s cool exterior is broken for a second at Veronica’s candour.

“Well, that can wait until we agree on a set of rules.”

“I agree with these.”

“You’ve barely read them.”

The foot prods the inside of her thighs harder and makes Veronica spread her legs slightly, she lets out a sigh before reading the list.

“I think we should add a rule.”

“Really?” Heather says, pressing her foot higher, goddamn her long legs. “What is it?”

“Don’t get mad if we start seeing people.”

Heather’s foot stops it’s tirade.

“Do you want to see people?”

_Have you gotten over me already?_

The unspoken hurt echoes against the walls of her flat.

“No. It’s just a possibly that we should be open to.”

_No, I don’t if I ever will._

Heather nods and takes the pad, writing the final rule to their game. She takes a drink of her wine and stares Veronica down.

“Now, where were we?”

\--

It’s on the seventh time that they’re together that Heather finally asks.

Veronica’s putting back on the clothes she’s shed – neither of them have taken the plunge in staying over, it’s for the best, it got really bad by the end. So bad that one of them was sleeping on the sofa almost every other night, depending on who decided to take the blame on whatever argument they were having.

“Why did you break up with me?”

“Huh?”

She heard the question perfectly fine, she just needed to check. Heather never even asked when Veronica uttered the words, she just clenched her jaw and said that she’ll pack up her things by the weekend. She didn’t shout her case, didn’t argue, but Veronica could see the anger festering under the surface, the hurt under the mask, the confusion in her walk.

“I never asked but why did you break up with me?”

Veronica takes a second. Heather doesn’t seem like she’s on the verge of blowing up, so she answers as truthfully as she can.

“You took me for granted.”

“What?”

“I would ask you to come home for dinner, not even too late, 8pm maybe but you’d come home at 10:30, 11:00 sometimes. We’d be meeting friends and you’d cancel last minute for something else, even though it had been in our calendar for weeks.”

“That’s why you broke up with me? Because I didn’t give you enough _attention.”_ Her tone is spoiling for a fight, so much for staying calm; she saved the argument from when they actually broke up for now, great, just what she needs. She’s got the head of English breathing down her neck, friends who still don’t know if they can hang out in a group since the breakup and now _this._

“No, Heather, you gave me plenty of attention-“

“Don’t act like you were a bloody walk in the park Veronica.”

“I didn’t forget our anniversary and spent the day, the _whole_ day at work.”

“That was an important day for me.”

“No, it was for us, if you’d told me you were busy we could’ve re-organised or something.”

“Yeah right, everything always had to be perfect, I had to be perfect.”

“We _were._ ”

“No we weren’t, I would just follow your instructions, as soon as my career started to take off and I did what I wanted, then the issues arose. Maybe it wasn’t me, it was you. Did you know that you stopped asking how my day was? You stopped wondering about me, it was all the Veronica show.”

“Oh fuck you Heather.”

“That’s why we’re here isn’t it?”

It’s a clear segue into a repeat of what they were doing earlier. Heather pulls her in for a kiss, the kind that books speak of, the angry, harsh, lips bruising one another, teeth biting.

“This is so unhealthy.” Veronica says, practically into her mouth.

The clothes she just put back on are once again on Heather’s floor. Heather pulling at her shirt while she makes short work of her trousers. The break in kissing allows oxygen to come back to Veronica’s brain, her breaths become less shallow and she can focus on the way Heather’s slender fingers move past her underwear.

“My therapist says that sex is good for someone like me.”

“That sounds like a lie.”

“Hm,”

“Besides, I don’t,” A single digit slips inside. “imagine I was who they had in mind.”

“But you’re so much fun.”

And that’s the moment that Veronica knows that it’s going to take a lot more than a conscience to make her stop this.

\--

The tenth time it happens they don’t even have sex.

Well, they planned too, Veronica even bought a bottle of wine for the occasion, but she opens Heather’s door, which she’d left open and which Veronica will give her an earful for, to an empty looking flat. Heather’s normally in the kitchen or draped over some sort of furniture, waiting for Veronica, but she’s nowhere to be seen.

“Uh, Heather?”

“Ronnie?” Heather’s voice echoes throughout the flat, she follows it to her bedroom. Which is normally immaculately clean, but is covered in clothes and the room is dark, but she can see Heather all bundled up in her duvet.

“The fuck you doing here?”

“It’s Thursday? I have the day off tomorrow?”

“Shit, I was meant to text you, period, cramps, not in the mood-“ Veronica makes a snap judgement to do something far too intimate.

“Scootch.”

“What?”

“I said move up,”

She does, albeit, reluctantly. Veronica moves into a spooning position.

“Can I rub your stomach? The way I used too?”

There’s a moment of silence. Sex is one thing, talking is another, _active_ comfort during a period is something else entirely.

“You really shouldn’t, we’re not together anymore.”

“Heather I’ve fucked you almost everywhere in this flat by now – this is where you draw the line?”

“This is,” she lets out a groan at the pain, “intimate.”

“Please, you’re in pain, let me try at least, if you feel too uncomfortable then let me know.”

Veronica slowly shifts her hand down to where the cramps should come from and slowly starts rubbing, Heather lets out a sigh, and her previously tense body starts to unfurl itself.

It feels so wrong to be so close like this, they’d specifically made rules against this, they’d planned against this, but it seems just so perfect. Their bodies fit so well against each other.

Later on, Heather’s breathing slows and she falls asleep, Veronica grabs a glass of water and some Ibuprofen for the morning and leaves it on her nightstand.

She doesn’t need to stay, they’ve already gone too far for that.

She leaves the wine on the kitchen counter and leaves into the evening.

\--

In between their fifteenth and sixteenth time, Veronica should probably stop counting at this point, there’s a fraught get together at JD’s place, celebrating his promotion to the Head of Science.

He asked her, deadly serious, if it was okay if he invited the Heather’s. Veronica took a second, Duke and Mac are fine, she’s just been casually sleeping with her ex-girlfriend for going on two months now; sending biting remarks in between rounds and, a recent development, making coffee for one another in the morning. They also never talked about period-gate and how close they were, how if they closed their eyes, they would be together. The casual intimacy of remembering each other’s tea orders and knowing what side of the bed to sleep on is not lost on Veronica, she just choses to ignore it, focusing on the physical side of it all.

“Sure JD, I can be mature, can’t promise anything for Heather though.”

He nodded and went back to his lesson plans.

And Veronica has no idea what to expect.

She took a shot of tequila for liquid courage before leaving to go to his place, it’s crazy how she’s willing, _very_ willing, to sleep with her, but as soon as she has to actually talk to her, in a setting where they’ll have to be overly neutral to each other to avoid the awkwardness of the group.

And now she’s standing in front of JD’s place, some chill music beating through the door. She sighs to steady herself and knocks.

“Veronica!”

Ah, he’s had a drink, or five.

JD brings her in for a hug, Veronica can see the Mac and Duke on one sofa and those who ‘took her side’ at the end of the relationship on JD’s other one.

“I thought you were a stickler for being on time.”

“You know how marking is, once you start you can’t stop.”

“Amen to that. Want a drink?”

“G and T kinda situation?”

“You know me so well.”

He walks off to the kitchen and Veronica stands in the middle of his living room, standing in the middle of these two sofas.

“Uh, hi.”

“V!” Mac bounces up and hugs her so intensely that she can barely breathe, wow, she really missed this, she’s barely seen Mac since the breakup. They’d talked once or twice in passing, grabbing coffee once, but it felt weird and stilted. But now everything seems to be a bit easier, if this goes right, it can be the way it used to be, or at least close.

“Mac, air.”

“Sorry.”

“How’ve you been?”

Veronica knows the ‘how’ve you been?’ that Mac’s asking, not the casual one where you say, ‘all good’ even if it isn’t, because half the time it’s not a real one. No, instead, it’s the one where she’s actually asking how she is, Mac’s just like that.

“I’ve been pretty good Mac.”

She doesn’t believe her, Veronica can tell, her lips pull back slightly after Veronica speaks and her eyes almost cut through her.

“Genuinely. What about you?”

“Me and Heather are moving in together.”

A smile makes its way onto Veronica’s face. Honestly, it’s taken Duke long enough to ask Mac, they’ve been dating going on five years now, this does mean that she owes Martha £20.

“That’s brilliant! And whatever you think you won’t need, you will.” She jokes.

“Oh I know, I remember all the times that Heather came over to mine after forgetting things, like that mug.”

The smile slowly fades from Veronica’s, she remembers that too. Mac realises too late into the story that it probably wasn’t the best thing to say, her mouth opens in an apology that Veronica cuts off.

“It’s okay Mac. You know I still have that mug, it’s the biggest one I have.” She jokes and Mac seems relieved that she didn’t go up in flames. She doesn’t want to, it was a simple slip up, and she doesn’t want to make this evening even more awkward than it already will be.

There’s a knock at the door, Veronica scans the room, unless JD’s invited anyone from work, it has to be Heather, oh shit, she’s not ready for this. JD gets up and lets her in, she takes a breath and a drink, hoping they don’t ruin his evening. Veronica takes in the way she’s dressed, the red peacoat, bent slightly out of shape from its place on her hooks by the door, the slightly frustrated expression on her face.

“Working on a Saturday, really?” Slips out of her mouth, she would lie and say that she regrets is, but she doesn’t, the way Heather’s back straightens and her eyes fix on her send shivers down her spine.

“You just can’t help yourself can you?”

If they were alone, this would have counted as foreplay, but they’re not alone, they’re in a room full of their friends and they’ve unconsciously moved closer together, ready to tear each-other’s clothes off and be too loud for the neighbours and their small interaction has made everyone else in the room uncomfortable.

She glances at the sofas, everyone looks varying degrees of uncomfortable and none of them can look directly at her and Heather.

Veronica clears her throat slightly.

“Sorry, that was uncalled for.”

“Damn right it was.”

She raises her eyebrows at Heather, who simply rolls her eyes and mutters back.

“Thanks for apologising.”

Thankfully JD comes back and interrupts the moment before anyone can read too deeply into their interactions.

“Heather!”

“JD! Congrats.” Her face lightens at the sight of him and the wine he’s got for her.

“Aww, thank you Heather. Both of you, thanks for coming, especially since, you know-“

“We got it JD, don’t worry.” Heather cuts him off, a fake smile plastered on her face. Thank God for the music floating in the background to stop this evening being so awkward that Veronica pretends to feel sick halfway through to leave. Heather takes of her coat to reveal a sleeveless blouse that should honestly be illegal.

“Do you guys wanna get on my level? You guys are all boringly sober.” JD says, swaying slightly.

“Hey, we went to the pub literally on Thursday.” Veronica points out, remembering the slight hangover she went into school with the next day.

“Yeah and you left early to go mark papers, you nerd.”

That’s a lie, she went the Heather’s on Thursday and had to wear a rollneck because she wouldn’t listen when she said no marks.

“Hey, do you know how much of a pain marking English is, Bio is a straight up yes or no.”

“Oh my god, let’s not get into the merits of English versus Science please I beg you.” Heather says, the room seems to rest easier a little from her interjection – no more arguing will be done tonight.

The rest of the night is fine, awkward whenever someone tries to bring up their romantic interactions, Veronica and Heather just look in the other direction and take a sip of their respective drinks, hoping no one brings up the fact that they are a little to alright with each other. Veronica supposes that it is better than them fighting. The others don’t quite get on JD’s level, but Martha gets so tipsy that her face begins to become pink and her smile become more and more infectious throughout the night. Duke gets pretty drunk, with Mac ready to drive her home, the way they lean on each other and love reminds Veronica of her and Heather in the earlier days of their relationship and she misses that, so much.

She wonders if her and Heather were meant to be but they were just at the wrong time.

She shakes the thought from her mind, now is not the time to think of this.

Mac and Duke are the first to leave, then Veronica starts to get ready, Heather joining her (saying that they live in the same direction), Martha gives them a look, but stays to make sure JD doesn’t wake up too hungover.

They start walking down the alley by JD’s flat, a shortcut that feels a lot less dangerous in the Spring, compared to the Winter. The silence isn’t awkward or too tense or uncomfortable, in fact it’s the lack of an sort of difficulty in the silence that irks her in a way that she can’t yet explain.

“How was your day?”

“Do you actually care?”

“We were friends first Heather, of course I care, we just got tangled along the way.”

“I almost lost to Kurt Kelly because a witness folded like a cheap suit, but I got my footing back and got the guy away for a few years.”

“That’s great, really, well done.”

“What about you?”

“I was almost late because I swear, these kids are insane, their grasp on John Donne so young is incredible.”

“’Yesterday the sun went hence, and yet is here today. He hath no desire nor half a short a way.’”

“Yeah, it’s one of the ones on my syllabus.”

“I remember.”

Veronica realises when they’re near the bus stop that they’ve been holding hands almost the entire way and just as the bus comes in.

Heather doesn’t say goodbye as she gets on the N11.

Veronica’s hand is now cold.

When is she gonna get over this?

\--

Heather falls into the bed with a final moan, Veronica falling to her side and lying on her stomach. There’s still a ghost of a smile on Heather’s face as the other woman throws her arm across her hips, they’ve gotten better at the whole cuddling thing, after a full conversation where they both explained that it was just a nice thing to do – no emotions involved at all, the rules Heather was so adamant on seemingly becoming meaningless.

“God you’re sweaty.” She grumbles, but it doesn’t grate at Veronica’s insides, instead she just rolls her eyes and smiles slightly into Heather’s pillow.

“That’s your fault.”

“So?”

“You can’t really complain.”

“Hm.”

“Asleep already?”

“You try writing a legal statement, it hurts.”

“I had a full day of teaching children.”

“You made your choice.” Her voice is jovial, if a little tired and it tugs against a part of Veronica that she’s not quite ready to feel just yet. She shuffles closer to Veronica, she’s sweaty too, she’s about to bring it up but doesn’t, instead watching as Heather’s breath starts to even out.

“Still can’t believe I got you out of the office before six on a Friday.”

Heather’s almost asleep, Veronica’s sure that she can’t really hear her until Heather’s voice, scratchy and drowsy speaks, her words slurring slightly.

“It’s you, Veronica.”

To put it eloquently: well, fuck.

\--

Veronica shows up at Heather’s with Nando’s when she’s lost count and they eat and fuck, once, then fall asleep cuddling in a way that is far too intimate for their current relationship.

It stays in Veronica’s mind long after she leaves Heather’s flat in the morning.

Especially the way that Heather tells her about the case she’s working on over coffee and they joke and it’s so close to being something more, but it’s such a bad idea.

Such a bad idea, but it’s starting to become something more.

Shit.

\--

Veronica’s not sure when she realises the shift, it’s not one that makes her stutter over her words while teaching, it’s not one that swirls in her stomach until she gets it, it’s slow, creeping.

They’re too far gone by the time she realises

So they stop, five months after Veronica’s first call.

It starts because they kiss.

Heather kisses her on the cheek as she leaves her flat in the morning, and then Heather comes back in the evening with an expression of stone on her face.

“Everything okay?”

“Someone asked me out today.”

“Oh.” That hurts. That feels like someone has shoved a red hot poker through Veronica diaphragm and then shoved their hand up to her heart and squeezes. Her voice is too sad, she knows, she should be telling Heather to go for it, but she doesn’t, she really doesn’t. “Wh-What did you say?”

“I said I couldn’t.”

Relief filles Veronica’s bones, relief she shouldn’t feel because they’re not together.

(Even though she knows that they basically have a relationship without calling it a relationship.)

“But I should have said that I can, because my reasoning was that I have a girlfriend.”

That’s when she notices that she hasn’t taken her jacket off, her thin leather jacket is still on her, her eyes staring right into Veronica. Dread fills her stomach, she’s not ready to let Heather go, she doesn’t know how she was able to so long ago. Her heart stutters; is this how Heather felt the first time they broke up?

“I’m not stupid Heather, I know what’s coming next.”

“So you agree that we need to stop.”

“I- I don’t know.”

“You picked one hell of a time to not be opinionated Veronica.”

“Well what do you want me to say? This is working.”

“No it isn’t! We were never properly broken up. We were together, then we weren’t then we were fucking, and then we wrote rules that we broke, immediately.”

“What if I don’t want it to end?”

“That’s not up to you Veronica, you broke up with _me._ You don’t get to choose this time.”

It’s the fight they should’ve had back in December, it’s the talking they should have done.

“Heather-“

“We’re over, if you want to talk to me about this again you have to be ready, you have to know what you want.”

With that she leaves.

It feels like breaking up but even worse because they weren’t even together, because they were actually _good,_ they could stand to be in a room together before they weren’t in houses together anymore.

\--

Veronica’s not as empty as before, the first time they stopped being ‘Heather and Veronica’ and they just become Heather and, separately, Veronica. Cutting up the group, making things awkward, except this time the group doesn’t know, they only know that they can be in the same room.

But she feels more apart from her than ever, even in their worst fights, even when they broke up there was anger between them, tension, something.

Now there’s just a defeat, there’s just the fear that they will end up like before.

It’s June, Heather’s favourite month, no more allergies for Veronica, no more peacoat for Heather, they could be curled up in bed, talking, joking, loving. She could have tried harder instead of insisting that Heather was the one always in the wrong, she could have been nicer.

Goddamn it, their breakup was almost six months ago and she’s still replaying the moment in her head over and over and over again.

Veronica makes the decision to go over to Heather’s the week before they break up for the Summer Holidays. It’s the same day that she has a realisation, not that she’s still in love with Heather, that wasn’t even a realisation rather than a fact of her life that she chose to ignore for far too long, no, instead it’s the idea that she _has_ to be with her.

The idea of being without her, the idea of having to only be friends seems impossible at this point, it rattles around her head when she’s on the bus, when she paces outside of Heather’s flat for fifteen minutes, mulling over if it’s the right thing to do.

She decides that it is and presses the buzzer.

_“Hello?”_

“Hey Heather.”

_“Veronica?”_

“Yeah.”

_“What are you doing here?”_

“I need to talk to you.”

Heather doesn’t say anything in response, but the door clicks open and Veronica rushes to the lift, tapping her foot impatiently as it rises.

She knocks on Heather’s door three times and she opens it, just enough to see her face.

“Are you busy?”

“I’m always busy Veronica.”

“Can I talk to you?”

“Why?”

“I want to try again, with you.”

Heather opens the door further and lets her in, Veronica’s hands are shaking, she was so prepared on the way, practising what she was going to say, but it’s all just gone.

“I want to be with you.”

“Why?” She sounds so scared, her lips are free from lipstick, a rare sight, and Veronica has forgotten how vulnerable she looks without it.

“I love you.”

“Love isn’t enough, we need to try.”

“And I will.”

“You did start asking how my day was.”

“And you started being on time.”

They laugh slightly, their cripes at each other from months ago seem almost stupid now.

“We can start at the beginning. Separate flats, separate lives, a couple of dates, telling the others later. As long as I get to have you.”

“I want that too.”

“Okay?”

“Okay.”

“May I kiss you?”

“Of course you can.”

Their lips meet and, for Veronica, it feels like coming home.

**Author's Note:**

> The happy ending illicit affairs deserved.
> 
> Hope y'all enjoyed, if you wanna vibe come over to 'its3amandiamverytired'
> 
> Comments are phenomenal, but please don't feel obligated to leave one xx


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